remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
