I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
