is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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