last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
