this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
