I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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