you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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