fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
