Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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