Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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