His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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