Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
