I'm so fucking centered right now
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
