ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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