batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize