jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
