There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
