you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
