The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My ATM looks so different sober.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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