Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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