If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
