once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
be right there i have to get my cape
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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