But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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