Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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