Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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