Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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