I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
