I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
