he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize