Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
