Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
