god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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