did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize