Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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