I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize