I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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