well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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