Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
