I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
