i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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