M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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