I will die if light touches me.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
