My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
