Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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