Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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