Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
