i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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