No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
