no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
