I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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