I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
