i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
