I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize