You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
