This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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