and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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