Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
high people should be assigned attendants
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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